Dr. Phil: Hello, I am Doctor Philip, and today we’ll be tackling an issue that is very widespread, but rarely spoken about. Gaming addiction. Now, I know many of you know at least one person in your life who plays video games, whether that be a child or, in some cases, a spouse.
Audience: *laughs*
Dr. Phil: But, when unregulated, gaming can lead to serious addiction. Today I have with me a mother who’s home life has been torn apart as her very own son descended into gaming addiction.
Mother: *sniffing and wiping tears away* Hello, doctor. Will you cure my son?
Dr. Phil: Well, dear, that’s… uhh. Let’s just bring the boy out already.
*dramatic music plays*
Gamer: My name is Gregg, I’m 19 years old, I’m a gaming addict, and I don’t give a f*ck.
Audience: *gasps*
Gamer: Yeah, I game for 19 to 20 hours a day and the other four hours I use for looking up sick gaming strats or beating it to anime porn. I once sucked off a dude because he offered me minecraft diamonds. I don’t give a sh*t, I would’ve sucked him off even if he didn’t have the diamonds.
Audience: *gasps louder*
Gamer: Do I hate women? Yes, I hate women. I’ve emailed Anita Sarkeesian my address. She knows where I am if she wants to fight me. Feminists, square the fuck up. People always ask why I don’t do anything other than gaming. I ask them why don’t they mind their own f*cking business. I don’t think I have a problem. Dr. Phil can honestly eat my whole an*s.
Gamer: *walks out onto the stage*
Audience: *boos*
Gamer: F*ck all y'all! I don’t give a f*ck! *flips off the audience*
Dr. Phil: Please take a seat, son.
Gamer: *sits very disrespectfully*
Mother: *starts bawling*
Dr. Phil: Son, do you think that was acceptable behavior?
Gamer: The only behavior I care about is the behavioral patterns for enemies in the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. series. I love video games: Master chief, Mario, uhm, Blinx the Cat… Blasto. Love those guys!
Audience: *boos*
Gamer: I don’t care! You think I care! F*ck all y'all!
Dr. Phil: All these people are booing you, doesn’t that make you feel bad?
Gamer: Are you deaf? Have I not articulated the fact that I absolutely 100% do not care about anything except for video games? I. DON’T. GIVE. A. F*CK.
Mother: He’s always like this, there’s no changing him. It didn’t used to be this way… just *starts bawling harder*
Dr. Phil: I think there is a way to change him, and we’ll find out more about that after these messages.
*Dr. Phil theme plays*
*The lights dim and every goes empty eyed and slack-jawed*
Gamer: Heh, this is weird. *nudges mom and whispers to her* Hey, we’re getting paid for this, right. Hey, mom? …Mom?
Mother: *completely unresponsive*
Dr. Phil: *completely unresponsive*
Audience: *completely unresponsive*
Gamer: Heh… this is REALLY weird. *looks around nervously*
Audience member: Hey!
Gamer: Huh?
Audience Member: I’m in the audience! Over here! My arms are strapped to the chair! You have to help me!
Gamer: *runs to the audience member*
Audience Member: Thank god, I thought I was the only one here left with any brains.
Gamer: *hastily undoing the straps* What the fuck is going on?
Audience Member: I don’t know, but this definitely isn’t Dr. Phil’s show.
Gamer: Then what is it?
Audience Member: No clue, but we have to get out of here before the commercial breaks ends.
Gamer: *successfully undoes the straps*
Audience Member: C'mon! Let’s go. *grabs the gamer by the arm*
Gamer: *resists* Wait a fucking minute. Why am I supposed to trust you?
Audience Member: Because I’m normal and everyone else is braindead if you haven’t noticed.
Gamer: Yeah, but I’m not going anywhere until I know what’s going on. Being on Dr. Phil is a huge opportunity for me to, y'know, advertise my brand. I’m a gamer if you haven’t noticed.
Audience Member: Are you insane? Have you had a look around you? Does this anything happening right now seem normal to you? Who cares about your “brand”. Do you even remember how you got here?
Gamer: Well… now that you mention, I can’t really remember exactly.
Audience Member: Yeah, now let’s get the fuck out of here.
*the gamer and audience member run through the back exit into the hallways*
*the Dr. Phil theme blares as the show returns from commercial break*
Gamer: My ears!
Audience Member: Move it! *jerks gamer’s arm*
Gamer: Okay, calm down.
*the entire audience screams in unison*
Gamer: What the fuck is that!?
Audience Member: It’s the reason we’re running! Quick, in here!
*the duo duck into a cramped broom closest*
Gamer: Listen, you have to tell me what the fuck is going on right now!
Audience Member: Shh.
Gamer: Don’t shush me!
Audience Member: *covers the gamer’s mouth*
*agonized screaming and violently rumbling passes by the broom closest*
Gamer: Holy shit!
Audience Member: Stop yelling.
Gamer: How can I not yell when it sounds the gates of hell just passed by us!
Audience Member: You want it to turn back around and find us?
Audience Member: Please, please stop crying. You’re too loud.
Gamer: I can’t! I’m under a lot of stress!
Audience Member: You’ll be dead if you don’t shut the fuck.
Gamer: I never wanted any of this, I just wanted to go on Dr. Phil so people would recognize me on YouTube and I could become a popular Let’s Player!
Audience Member: If you don’t shut up right now, I’ll-
*a snake bites the audience member’s neck*
Audience Member: *eyes roll up*
Gamer: *screams like a baby*
*snakes slither under the closet door*
Gamer: *stumbles out of the closet and falls into hallway covered with snakes* Fuck me! Fuck me!
Gamer: *attempts to run away but falls beneath the snakes and into and empty void*
*agonized screaming echoes from all around*
Gamer: Am I in hell? I have to be in hell. You don’t fall through a pool of snakes and wind up anywhere else but hell.
Dr. Phil: THERE IS NO HELL.
Gamer: Doc, is that you? If this isn’t hell then where am I?
Dr. Phil: YOU’RE IN MY REALM SON. *Dr. Phil’s face appears glowing in the distance, his eyes are empty sockets and his mouth hangs open*
Gamer: What the fuck are you?
Dr. Phil: I’M DOCTOR PHILIP.
Gamer: You’re not Dr. Phil!
Dr. Phil: I NEVER SAID I WAS, SON. *a wall of gray human bodies lights up surrounding Dr. Phil’s massive head, dr. phil’s giant snake body slithers towards the gamer and opens its third eye* I’M DOCTOR PHILIP.
*the wall of bodies screams in unison as Dr. Phil devours the gamer*
*Dr. Phil theme plays loudly*
Dr. Phil: THE NEXT EPISODE IS STARTING. I’M LATE. *slithers into the wall of bodies and his snake body slowly transforms into a normal Dr. Phil’s body*
Dr. Phil: *crawls onto the stage*
Dr. Phil: *dusts himself off* Woo, I went on quite an adventure.
Audience: *laughs*
Dr. Phil: I’m glad we can all find some time in our lives to laugh, but today’s episode is covering something that is most certainly not a laughing matter. It’s one of the most serious addictions striking America today and it’s rarely talked about. I’m talking about people who love to pee on their mattresses and then pay people exorbitant amounts of money to suck their disgusting mattresses clean.
Audience: … *someone clears their throat*
Dr. Phil: What’s the matter?
Cameraguy: Spsss, Doc. That’s not what the episode is about. It’s about people with terrible gambling issues.
It is Uncouth to drink blood directly from a human’s neck in some back alley like a miscreant. You don’t even know where that human’s been. You could get blood all over your chin and clothes, like a slovenly barbarian. No table manners whatsoever
I Only drink blood that comes from trusted sources and has been tested thoroughly for cleanliness, then heated in a carafe and served in a Fancy Teacup
i got really paranoid while high last night and burst into tears on a discord call because i was couldnt stop thinking about how awful it would be if this tire rolled up and crushed me like a gogurt. my best friend tried to calm me down by telling me that i would hear it coming because the tire is so big, but that only made me start sobbing inconsolably because i started imagining getting disoriented by the loud tire WHILE being run over. for some reason i was really hung up on the idea of hearing this giant tire approaching me (knocking down trees along the way) and being too terrified of the noise to run away – much like a frightened deer. anyways i’m never smoking weed again and i’m throwing my bong away
hey gibbon - okay, I’m gonna ask you to do this, but please don’t get violently euphoric this time - I can’t reach this box. could you… [ sigh] extend your arms to get it for me?
[bones creaking painfully, gibbon screeching in pleasure and pain] YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABBBBBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
if youre straight and wearing a flannel you have to pay your local lesbian a $5 fee
what are the stipulations for bisexuals to wear flannel
bi ppl arent straight, therefore they are not required to pay the fee
Guys. Clothes are not sexual orientations. You cannot dress like a lesbian. You cannot dress gay. They are clothes. Drop the stereotypes of clothing of sexual orientations. You can dress in whatever you want and be whoever you are.
On the other side of things, clothing choices cannot make you or someone else gay or lesbian. Just like standing in a garage doesn’t make you a car.
im now increasing the fee to $5000000 just for you specifically
![phoneus:
“ abstractbody:
“ gibbon skeleton
”
hey gibbon - okay, I’m gonna ask you to do this, but please don’t get violently euphoric this time - I can’t reach this box. could you… [ sigh] extend your arms to get it for me?
[bones creaking painfully,...](https://64.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbnjts89Y11qd77wwo1_500.jpg)
