Two Medieval Monks Invent Bestiaries

effington:

em-ily-grace:

By Mallory Ortberg on The Toast

MONK #1: do birds have meetings
MONK #2: absolutely
they have a Meeting Hat and everything
MONK #1: what do they have meetings about
MONK #2: mostly who gets to wear the meeting hat

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MONK #1: do human women sleep in beds or–
MONK #2: no that’s dogs you’re thinking of
MONK #1: right right

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MONK #1: what part of the knight do fish go on
MONK #2: the head
MONK #1: thanks
MONK #2: oh absolutely
no problem at all
MONK #1: both lying flatwise across the head, or…?
MONK #2: no one on each side
like ears
MONK #1: ok great

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MONK #1: so when a dog and a bird make out
MONK #2: right
MONK #1: it’s usually the bird that’s on top
right?
MONK #2: yeah
usually
MONK #1: great

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MONK #1: hey is it owls or people that live in caves and build fires?
MONK #2: owls

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MONK #1: hey roughly what size are sparrows
MONK #2: mm
it kind of depends
MONK #1: like
AS big as a tree
or not quite as big as a tree?
MONK #2: oh pretty much the same size as a tree

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MONK #1: can cows sail boats?
MONK #2: hahaha no
common misconception
they have to put wheels on the boat and roll it over land

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MONK #1: what do birds eat
MONK #2: other birds mostly
MONK #1: like different kinds of birds, or something else
MONK #2: no birds only eat exactly the same kind of birds that they are

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MONK #1: what kind of bird tucks people into bed at night
usually I mean
MONK #2: any bird
any kind of walking bird
MONK #1: and when it tucks you in, people usually look…
MONK #2: incredibly worried
it’s incredibly worrying when the bedbird tucks you in

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MONK #1: ugh sorry to bother you again
MONK #2: no no its fine
this is what i’m here for
what is it
MONK #1: what part of a goat is a snail again
like the front end or the back end
MONK #2: what part do you feel like should be the snail part
MONK #1: the back part?
MONK #2: you shouldnt doubt yourself
you know more about goats than you give yourself credit for

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MONK #1: what usually rides horses
like people or–
MONK #2: fire

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Tbh this is the funniest post on this dumb website

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roidyraw:

As soon as I learned Nicki Minaj voiced Sugilite, I had to

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pulpgang:
“ man door hand hook car door is honestly still the best story i’ve ever read
”

pulpgang:

man door hand hook car door is honestly still the best story i’ve ever read

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internetmessiah:

I’ve decided I want to be cremated. Not when I die, just whenever. Surprise me.

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daftbread:

enemy of the dogspotting community

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sagihairius:

last night i had this dream where shrek was turned into a lady ogre and fionna was asked if it was cool with her and she said “yes i am bishrekual” and i woke up crying

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marxvx:
“ can you imagine if this guy knew that 141 years in the future almost a century after he died his joke would be shared throughout the world with technology that would have been totally unimaginable to him during his own lifetime and in slang...

marxvx:

can you imagine if this guy knew that 141 years in the future almost a century after he died his joke would be shared throughout the world with technology that would have been totally unimaginable to him during his own lifetime and in slang terms that he wouldn’t understand at all

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metalphantomon:

please watch this unedited clip from the digimon movie

Please watch it

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  • Me: Where are the owls? WHERE ARE THE OWLS?
  • Hooters Waitress: Please sir, you're causing a fuss and disturbing the other customers-
  • Me: *banging my hands rhythmically on the table* WHERE-ARE-THE-OWLS? WHERE-ARE-THE-OWLS? WHERE ARE THE OWLS?

reallyreallyreallytrying:

mystic-bullshitt:

reallyreallyreallytrying:

people say dolphins are smart but there not smart enough to not be Shity grey rubber tubes flappin about in the gotdamn ocean

*they’re

congratulations! you are the piss lord of shit mountain. thank u for hefting turds down the mountainside so that we, the proles, may feast on your bounteous craps

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