some type of adult girl

foreverial:

slightly important life update:

i’ve been letting a 1930s italian american mobster guy take refuge with me after he fell through a time portal rift. for about a year now. he can’t go back to his time period because who knows what would happen. it sounds really sad but like he doesn’t have a family and he was in a gang so like. he’s okay with it and pretty amazed by iPhones he’s happy to be here. i’ve been giving him catch-up lessons in pop culture and trying to get him up-to-speed to absolve any bigotry. he was actually very cool about race stuff but he doesn’t like protestants at ALL. any other religion is fine though, he says “they got themselves a different God, bless their souls” which is kind of dicey but, for the circumstances, it’s fine

i told him he’s probably gonna have to catch up on all this lgbt shit and that i was gay and he was like “HEY! OH! WATCH IT PAL!” and called me an italian term i’d rather not repeat but he pretty quickly apologized because i think he thinks i own some sort of ray gun blaster thing. i’m not sure how much sci-fi a mob goon in new york in the thirties was exposed to so it’s hard to pinpoint his frame of reference for future shit

anyways, he’s been practicing typing on a desktop computer. he likes playing fruit ninja on iphone but that’s about as far as he gets with it. he’s been working out a lot and showing me how to do a workout called “jailbird curls” but it’s like, kinesthetically speaking, extremely inefficient and strenuous and definitely informed by the antiquated idea that the more a workout hurts the more you beef up. so like he’s coming around on modern society and he figured out how to zip files and so he zipped one and labeled it PRIVATE and doesn’t realize i can just read whatever .doc he saves there it’s a bit long but this was his most recent journal

2022 OH MARONE STOP

DA NEW CAPO GAVE ME SOME OF DAT EYEPI AYE BEER AND WE GOT FUCKIN BLOTTO AND COOLED FACEDOWN ON DA FLOOR SOMETHING FIERCE STOP

YOU PACK THAT MUCH HOOCH IN STATEN ISLAND BACK IN MY DAY THEY GONNA FRY YOU FOR IT STOP

DA NEW CAPO IS A BIT OF A YA KNOW IT STARTS WIT A FA AND RHYMES WITH BANOOK IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT BUT MAMA DIDNT RAISE NO INGRATE SOS I LISTENS TO HIM SEE STOP

HE SAYS TO ME HE SAYS DAT THESE DAYS FOLKS ARE MAKIN WHOOPE EVERY WHICHAWAY SOS HE GIVES ME DA LOWDOWN STOP

BROADS KNOCK BOOTS WIT BROADS STOP

GUYS MAKE IT WIT GUYS STOP

SOME GUYS EVEN MAKES IT WIT DOLLS AND FELLAS ALIKE STOP

SOME JANES USED TO BE A JOHN AND SOME JOHNS USED TO BE A JANE IF YOU KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN LIKE WHAT I READ IN DA PAPER ABOUT THEM SOIGENS IN BERLIN STOP

DIS SOIGERY BUSINESS IS A MIRACLE THEY MAKE EM UP GOOD AS NEW REAL KEEN TOO I REMEMBER SOIGERY BACK IN MY DAY YOU GET CLIPPED WITH A TOMMY IN DA WOIM FUGGEDABOUT GOOD AS DEAD STOP

THESE DAYS DEY SET YA UP WITH A NEW ONE MADE OUT OF SKIN FROM YOUR GAMS I SHIT YOU NOT STOP

GUYS ARE GETTIN MARRIED TO OTHER GUYS AND NOWS I THINK ABOUT IT I COULDA PULLED ONE HELLUVA RACKET IN MARRIAGE COITIFICETS FOR ANY GOOMBAH WHO WANTED TO HITCH UP I SURE AS HELL DID WORSE STOP

so yeah it’s kind of unclear if he thinks this is like a private journal or telegrams both of which are kind of irresponsible forms of record keeping/correspondence for a mob guy but i gather he wasn’t that smart before he fell in the time portal either

(via hatingongodot)