some type of adult girl

unpretty:

this is one of my favorite onion articles because it is so real

like the premise seems so absurd but then you start to read it and

Gibson’s descent into the depths of mustard obsession started innocently enough, when he got involved in an Internet exchange about the best kind of mustard to use on a grilled bratwurst. When someone posted a link encouraging him to “click on this if you really want to spice things up,” he took the stranger’s advice and suddenly found himself on MustardMonster.com, a discussion group devoted to the cultivation, preparation, and enjoyment of the table-side condiment.

“I immediately realized I was out of my league,” Gibson said of his first encounter with the Internet’s do-it-yourself mustard community. “At that point I had maybe three different kinds of mustard in my refrigerator, but when I looked at their forum topics, these guys were talking about the strengths of unique varieties of imported mustard seeds, brewing your own vinegar for mustard-making, ways to improve store-bought mustard when you find yourself in a pinch. That…that was the start of what I now call my ‘lost year.’”

It was only when Gibson started getting angry, even enraged, by mustard-related issues that he started realize he had become entangled in a dense, thickening web of mustard obsession.

“I saw my wife putting French’s mustard on a bologna sandwich for our 5-year-old son, and I just lost control,” Gibson said. “I said things—awful things that I’m not proud of—and the two of them were clearly shaken. I can never take those words back. When I looked in the mirror and barely recognized that livid face staring back at me, I finally understood that these mustard people weren’t really my friends.”

(via egberts)