1. Make noise when you’re walking. Bears generally avoid people, but it you startle one, it will kill you.

2. Never look a predator in the eyes. That is a challenge.

3. Do not turn your back on a predator. Do not run from a predator. If you run from a predator, you are prey, and it will chase you. Back away slowly while making quiet noises.

4. If you see a hole in the ground, don’t stick your hand in it.

5. If you’re in a group of people, stay close together and don’t let anyone fall behind. Mountain lions are very quiet, and always hunt for the slowest in the herd.

6. Stay the fuck away from farm ducks. I could go into detail, but it’s easier not to go near them.

7. When feeding sheep, stay out of the flock. They have sharp, stabby little hooves and they are OK with stepping all over you.

8. Yes, there’s shit in that field. Yes, you will step in it. Bring gumboots.

9. Never keep your food in the same place you sleep. If something’s going to get your food in the night, you don’t want it near you.

10. Raccoons are never your friend.

11. There isn’t a wild animal alive that wants to be your spirit companion. Everything is a power balance. Don’t fuck it up.

12. If you don’t know what it is, don’t eat it.

13. Make sure the young, small, or unfamiliar always travel with a buddy.

14. Bears have tiny eyes that are hard to dig at, but they have large, sensitive noses. They can’t see too well, but if one is mauling you, go for the nose and punch as hard as you can. You’re still fucked, though.

15. Bears can climb trees. Bears can swim. Bears can run faster than horses.

16. You will not hear a mountain lion coming. The best you can do is make sure it doesn’t see you in the first place.

17. Noises in the dark are good. Everything in the forest is just as scared for their life as you are- if it suddenly goes silent, that’s when you get worried, because that means they’re hiding from something you didn’t notice.

18. Bats don’t give a shit about you. Leave them alone.

19. Insects don’t want to live in your face. Your face is the last thing an insect wants to be in. It’s okay to sleep.

20. Don’t go in a sheep field without a walking stick. Rams are called rams for a reason.

21. If a ram attacks you, grab it’s ears. It doesn’t feel good for them, but it’s better than breaking your fucking ribs.

22. Don’t head a goat by the horns. It’s really, really uncomfortable for them.

23. Pigs eat everything. Literally everything organic can be eaten by a pig. Do not research. Do not.

24. Frogs are both edible and delicious, but they will continue to move around half an hour after they’re dead. No, they’re not still alive, they just have very primitive neural relays. It’s not suffering if you kill it properly, it’s just taking time to lose that energy.

25. Cedar wood and lavender contain chemical properties that repel spiders and other insects. Keep a small cedar block in your room.

26. If you go outside and the air smells like rotten fruit and old leather, something died. Don’t worry, the smell will go away by itself in about two weeks, depending on the size of the thing.

27. Keep the damn outhouse clean. Leave a flashlight in there too, because someone always forgets one.

28. Don’t adopt wild animals.

29. Most things really don’t want to eat you.

30. Don’t trust a farmer that offers you a ‘floor cookie’.

31- The rural version of London’s pigeons are Deer. They are everywhere. They kill people. They are stupid. They eat everything. You can’t keep them away from your house. (Plant morning glory- the flowers are beautiful, but they’re also poisonous and deer hate them.)

32- stop giving a fuck about rabbits.