every night when i close my eyes before i drift off to sleep my brain torments me with visions of what my tumblr dashboard would look like if i were here in the late 1960s
if would be a nightmare to wake up one day to a dozens of text messages saying “congratulations!” and “you reached your goal!” and “go get ‘em tiger” etc only to find a gofundme page entitled Let’s Get My Boy Over Here Some Sloppy Suck Suck!!! with a blurry image of me clearly taken through a window brushing cheeto crumbs off of a white tank top, eyes glued to the television screen at 1 AM. i click open the tab and i find it was organized by my very well meaning (until now) heterosexual friends who figured the reason i am slouching so much is because i, as the description states, “[have not] had [my] balls drained good in a while if ever.” the campaign description goes on to describe me as “good natured, if not small in stature and likely even smaller in penis but we aren’t gay so we aren’t sure we’re not gay so we never saw it” and that i need a “thick assed Whole Foods shopping silver fox type 40 year old to toss [me] some brain.” enraged, i storm out the door to my apartment, only to find that they’re here to enact the second stage of the plan: completely covering me in air fresheners. 4k worth of them. scents they assume gay men like and are into. they cover me in that cologne that comes in the shape of a dude’s torso, deer attractant, and royal jelly from bees as well as many , like i said, air fresheners from cars. completely decked out not dissimilar to a christmas tree, i am waddled into the nearest gay bar where the stench of me makes everyone pass out. the plan failed, and, the IRS gets involved, because they laundered the other 4k of the 8k USD raised to buy a bunch of suedofed. i don’t know how to spell it. you know what i mean. that would be my nightmare. the only course of action at that point, not to be grim, would be faking your own death, or dying for real.
all you people keep commenting reactions and tags like this. you got something to say to me say it to my face
Ok if nobody else is gonna come out and tell it like it is I guess I will. I like this post its good its funny
