A grade school elf walked up to me and handed me an all day lollipop. You rest assured that I slapped that damned pop out of his hand and stomped on it until it shattered into a million, shards, wet with sylvan tears.
my secret is that in 3rd grade my best friend and i started a religion based around Darkstalker from the wings of fire series (except he had very different abilities and was really more of a vague entity than a dragon). we both had “tokens” we used to communicate with him telepathically (i think i still have mine somewhere? it was one of those glass pebble things) and we would sacrifice blood, skin, hair, etc into the no-longer-functioning tampon dispenser (we didn’t know what it was) in one of the lesser-known bathrooms at school every week. once we took too long coming back to class and the teacher came to check on us and found two small children kneeling on the floor of a dark bathroom praying to a defunct tampon dispenser. anyway we believed darkstalker had sent a message to us saying “get [another uninvolved friend” so we made her sacrifice things too bc we were scared she would die
Honestly it’s not as bad as it sounds. It takes the eagles about 2 hours to get to my liver and another 2 to eat it. The whole ordeal is over by one and I’ve got the afternoon to myself.
weed isn’t actually green and never was or ever could be. drug dealers just paint them with their arts and crafts supplies and hope people don’t notice. nobody seems to be talking about this because it also causes some sort of non harmful brain disease, which is the best kind of brain disease to have by the way
