if you want to make a wine person very unhappy, say that a white wine they like “is giving me a little green bell pepper?”
RED WINE
honestly the only two questions you need to start credibly talking about red wine are “does it taste like red fruits (strawberry/cherry/raspberry) or black fruits (blackberry/plum)?” and “does it taste oaky (i.e. gently sweet and earthy in a way youd associate with coffee or chocolate or warming spices)
if its a fancy dry wine (not a dessert wine, not port, manischewitz or markovic) dont say "sweet,” say “juicy”
FIZZY WINE
if its red and fizzy its probably a lambrusco
if youre drinking champagne talk about the “minerality,” even chalk notes if youre feeling gutsy. you dont have to taste it just say it
ORANGE WINE
this is very trendy. youre gonna want to talk about its “funkiness.” if you use the term “gym socks” at the right time you will get a round of laughs or at least knowing nods. if you see shmutz in the bottom dont worry about it.
MISC
if you want a wine person to talk for a while and not ask you any questions just ask them how they feel about natural wine. theyll go on for a little and you can decide to agree or disagree based on how hot they are
feebly trying to explain shrimptin to my uninterested grand nieces while they converse in twinkish 1 about selling my home dialysis machine to buy grey market steam keys for spore 2
1 subdialect of american english originating in attempts to circumvent twnkr’s (2) content moderation algorithm; rarely spoken or understood by those born before the 50’s due to it’s glottal trills, used to pronounce emojis, requiring a streamers apple (3) to vocalize.
2 short form video based social media platform/calorie tracker which boomed in popularity after playing a pivotal role in facilitating coordination between various sectarian militias in the first texan-austonian war.
3 benign esophageal mass endemic to post-semicentennial generations, it is theorized to be a result of the adoption of mercurial gasoline but no conclusive link has been found.
Hi hello, you all need to see Ray Troll’s kitsch masterpieces:
It’s just too good. this is the pinnacle of cool dad art. I’m getting a t-shirt. Oh yes, i’m getting one. You bet your ass. you bet your bass! Ha! It’s spreading!
