I am so bad at being a sympathetic listener. my friends will be complaining about being mistreated by their bosses and im just like. Uh huh. Uh huh. Wow. You should put ground up glass in his food
Still dying bc my best friend from high school came over to take me out to lunch and i was getting changed out of my pajamas so i wasn’t wearing underwear and i was just like “sorry for showing you my vagina” and she and my gf said in unison “its cool”
imagine you were on a date with a beautiful suave handsome man i’m talking like lee pace or dev patel style ridiculously exaggeratedly handsome with an accent and it’s going shockingly well and then he stands up and goes “will you pardon me for a moment dear, i have to go fuck up.” and goes to the bathroom and comes back out 7 mins later fresh as a daisy and goes “now, where were we…”
do you ask him what he meant by “going to fuck up” ever?
the date goes well but he does indeed go fuck up in your bathroom and you hear muffled cries. when he leaves you curiously open the bathroom. there is a distinct chemical smell - bleach? - the bathroom is spotless, perhaps cleaner than it was before. the water in your toilet, however, is bright, glowing green. and when you flush it, it stays that color, like he did something to the tank.
