my cat is so fat that sometimes when shes walking around upstairs i mistake the sound for human footsteps
my dad likes to end his emails to me with an xoxo but one time he fucked it up and signed off as “dodo dad”
water melon. air melomn. earth melon. but everything changed when the fire melons attacked
What’s the nicest way to say, “I don’t care about ur dumb nerd problems”
“i feel like one of the worst things we oppress is toilet paper. and toothbrushes”
-sarah
one of the upsides of being horrifically clumsy is that you are always coming up with new swears
i have to go to work when im sad?? i hate america
when the skinny middle part of your thong gets wedged between your labia, that is the ultimate wedgie
*curls up in a trash can* ah yes, this is perfect. my ecological niche. the place where i truly belong *takes a deep whiff of the rotten air* i love it, the banana peels and mcdonalds wrappers are my friends now. finally, somewhere I can spend the rest of my days in peace. i’m so happy
don’t judge me until you have walked two mile with a five pound bag of gummy worms under your arm
dear internet
If a girl has short hair and suspenders does that automatically mean she’s gay or should I check first