I once had a cat named Richard Dawkins who used to roll cans of meat into my closet and wake me up by chewing on my face and I think that’s funny because I know nothing about the real Richard Dawkins
Thats exactly what the real richard dawkins would be like if he were a cat
(via whoopsrobots)
I feel like the older I get, the more I realize how fucked up my childhood was.
Like, one time at recess some kid dislocated my jaw and nobody was watching us so I just went behind the slide and popped it back in. It still locks up sometimes. I didn’t even remember that until a week ago. I was like 7. Where were our teachers
(via whoopsrobots)
You know what? I’m not afraid of Capitalism’s golden goose mentality anymore, I’m looking for a lighthearted evening away from my life and I’m going to watch the Minions movie.
sweet jesus it’s narratedyou know what never mind I can’t do this, guys, it’s been eleven minutes 8 seconds and they’ve sung twice and even the main ones have no personalities it’s all crap it’s all just crap and physical humor and it’s all just garbage God is dead and these banana fuckers killed Him
(via whoopsrobots)
Do other people’s cats bring them organs?
I know cats bring their owners presents a lot, but my brother’s cat always eats everything except the kidneys, the gallbladder, and the stomach, all pristine and immaculately removed. Is his cat an asshole, or is she trying to tell us something? Actually concerned
(via whoopsrobots)
Tired cop: This three-armed man was found straddling a Komodo dragon upside-down on the roof of a senior home at 2:35 in the afternoon. He had a bottle of 1874 Pinot noir taped to one arm and a snorkel lodged in his left ear, penetrating the brain. His wife says he was a professional coin collector after losing both his legs in a freak circus accident in 1965 before the birth of their quintuplets sons. There were no clues except this lightly toasted bagel, we need your help
Scully: Is THIS in any of your X-files?
Mulder: This is in all of them
(via whoopsrobots)
Stove is broken, day 146:
Finally got sick of toast and bananas. Boiled a frozen lasagna. Results were better than anticipated
(via whoopsrobots)
Shoutout @ that guy across the street with the electric guitar setup who plays music full blast every day from 7am to 8pm and slurs unintelligibly into a mic about how his ex girlfriend was a bitch and his neighbours need to mind their own business
(via whoopsrobots)
me when it starts raining really hard: ya hooo the plants sure needed this. the plants will really slurp this right up
My entire family lives off rainwater and when I was younger I thought everyone ran out in the summer but every once and awhile I see something like this that reminds me
(via whoopsrobots)
Something in the forest is trying to get through the fence
see this is the kind of shit I should be freaking out about, but no, I put up with my grandma’s mummified cat and large animal heads appearing on the porch and sheep getting dragged out from under the trailer so just fuckit, fuck whatever demonic entity wants to kill us now I’m fuckin done
(via whoopsrobots)
I was in a restaurant with my little sister and she told me I looked like a butt so I deadpan told her that everything she loved would someday disappear and that was 100% my most disproportionate reaction to anything ever
(via whoopsrobots)
I wonder what distant future archaeologists will think about corpses buried with 2 silicon bags on their chest.
the first primitive steps towards developing SUBDERMAL FLESH ARMOUR for the UNDEAD GLADIATOR PIT FIGHTS
(via whoopsrobots)
I figured I’d put up a list of all the weird crap I’ve found around home as a kid
1. When I was six, a mummified hairless cat just sort of appeared by the house. I had to jump over it whenever I went anywhere. Nobody moved it, it was just there for a few months and then it disappeared.
2. There was a cow head just laying out back for a while. I think my gramma was feeding it to the chickens. I fucking hate the chickens.
3. Every Halloween, my mom would send me to the dead pile to get bones to scatter around the yard for decorations. I never really realized it was weird that we had things called ‘dead piles’, but there you go
4. My brain went fuzzy during a family barbecue and I don’t know what to tell you but I left for twenty minutes and came back with four other girls wearing cow pelvises and tubing as armour and claiming myself to be the ‘mighty lord magnet-tron’.
5. I found a kayak in the forest once. I brought it home, but my gramma stole it.
6. Found a cracked fish tank buried under a tree once. I took it home, but my gramma stole it.
7. There’s a lot of bathtubs in the forest and I don’t know why
8. Someone left a deer head on the porch once. Not sure why. Just the whole head, cut off at the neck. That was odd.
9. There’s just these… Weird, powdery chunks of.. I dunno, something. Just buried all over. I don’t know if they’re soft rocks or what
10. Some friends and I found something big and dead inside a garbage bag under a log, once. We told an adult but they said not to worry about it so we sort of let it go. It’s been nine years and nobody’s questioned it
11. Our rooster killed itself. Not sure how, but it did.
12. A bird carried my cat away when I was 7 and nobody told me so I spent 6 weeks looking for it. I only found half.
13. There’s a lot of skulls
14. There’s a spot out back where kitchen appliances just show up. I found a wok, a toaster, a toaster oven, and two sinks so far.
15. A bunch of porn was just… In the woods. DVDs. And a couple bible-on-casette albums. 3 pairs of prescription glasses. Someone was into some weird shit, I guess.
16. Sometimes the air smells like death and my mom just goes, 'think it was something big?’ And I have to go find it
17. My gramma keeps collecting toilets and 4 foot tall solid wooden lawn gnomes and decorating the driveway with them
18. Every once and a while the sky just doesn’t go all the way dark at night and I’ve stopped questioning it
(via whoopsrobots)
me, cutting myself open and pulling out my organs: god i have to do everything myself around here
(via kimojunk)
“They don’t know your true advantage, when you live for someone you’re prepared to die.”
I’ve had alot of pearl feels left over from the last stevenbomb so i channeled them all into this. I can only hope i’ll be able to survive the next one.