A Merry Christmas to you…
looking like a snack…
Living deliciously.
(via fruitsoftheweb)
This year I’m going to start practicing radical self pity
This is secret code used by 19th-century diarist Anne Lister to record her lesbian relationships! And underneath, and sample of her diaries. Anne wrote 6600 pages, or almost 4 million words of these diaries, giving us a treasure trove of information about her life, and one of the only first-hand accounts we have of female same-sex relationships in the 19th century.
Now you too can communicate with your friends in secret lesbian code!
To learn more about Anne, check out our episode and follow-up Christmas special!
(via curseworm)
i wanna feel as serene as those anime girls circa deviantart 2003 that are wearing big noise canceling headphones sitting by the window with their eyes closed imagining trees and clouds and rainbows and music notes
Wow someone unfollowed me after all that shit last night but it wasn’t my ex… she just doesn’t give a fuck i guess
This year I’m going to start practicing radical self pity
new fun game where you figure out how many million years jeff bezos net worth could pay your rent. try it with your friends!
honestly how do you argue that an economic system that lets this happen is fair, just, the best we can do, et c. like when one person can pay my rent for 11 million years while my roommates and i struggle to make it every month
the combined wealth of the bourgeoisie could pay all of our rents until the heat death of the universe
Also: the not-quite-scar marks from the horizontal lines i cut in my arm last February when she told me that she knew I loved her more are pretty well faded and hidden by the arm hair I’ve finally convinced myself to grow out. I think by this time next year they’ll be almost impossible to notice which is like, a metaphor or whatever
I think that whole dumb introspective essay could be summarized by the question “why did you move to across the country to be with someone you loved and then stay there for 8 more months after they dumped you?” and then that pic of tommy from rugrats saying “to test my abilities 😏”
Well i was having a great day of exercising and working and not thinking about how it’s been a year exactly since I moved to California until just now. Just about now I think I was getting off the plane, which was super late, and I was negotiating with the baggage people for the release of my bags. And my girlfriend-at-the-time was extremely ill and couldn’t come pick me up. Ha ha, I thought! Classic Friday the 13th hijinks. I am sure this is not at all foreshadowing the outcome of my decision to move all the way across the country to be with the person I love!
That was when the year really started for me. And the first few months were literally the best months of my life since childhood, which sucks because I can’t think about them now without feeling unbearably sad. I was right the first time, it turns out, when I said that love is terrible. When i said, ha ha, if you are going to break up with me do it now, before I sign a lease on this house in a city where I know no one and am working a job that is likely temporary, ha ha, she said of course not, ha ha, I’m not planning on it, ha ha. And then a month after I moved in, she told me she didn’t love me any more. Ha.
Did you know I developed a whole new anxiety symptom after she left me? I only told Sadiaa, and only because she saw it happening, and the old psychologist who turned out to have pretty significant dementia (she absolutely does not remember, but at least she never sent me a bill, ha ha). Whenever my body was relaxed, I would have muscle spasms. Not a twitch, but a full bodied movement, throwing out an arm or leg, or my head would snap to the side uncontrollably. I remember one night I was drinking wine and trying to watch forensic files by myself, but my head kept snapping away from the tv. It happened so many times my neck hurt and I was crying out of frustration. I was riding home on the bus one time, listening to fleetwood mac because i thought some familiar sad tunes would make me feel better but instead i left my body completely and was shaking all over. I got off a stop early and walked home with my shoes off, stomping as hard as possible to remind myself that i was real.
I don’t know what would have happened if it weren’t for my job. I had a really sweet summer temp job at a law firm that started the day she broke up with me. I don’t know why my coworkers liked me from the start, because I know for a fact that I was a weird lunatic for the first couple weeks. But they were older, and so sweet, and gave me projects that they thought I’d enjoy, and we took hour plus lunches every day to chat about our husbands and kids and which old male celebrities we thought were hot (obviously i could not fully participate but it was still nice). Four months of having people be nice to you and give you stuff to do for 40 hours a week is pretty decent therapy (especially if your real therapist has dementia).
And I worked hard! And I made new friends! I didn’t just become friends with people I knew, I made efforts to go out of my comfort zone just to meet new people, something I have literally never done before in my life, because there’s nothing I fear more than people I’m not already friends with (except maybe clowns, but I’m not friends with any clowns, so). And I planned a trip for myself, all around the northwest! I got lost in the desert, made a friend in an uber pool, saw wild bears and wolves and antelopes, and I did it all by myself and by reaching out to others to ask for help when I needed it! And when I got back, I got two more jobs, and made even more friends. As painful as it was, I made a place for myself on the opposite side of the country from where I’d lived my whole life, after going through the most significant emotional trauma I’d ever experienced. If I can do this, I can do anything!
In conclusion: I don’t regret moving to California one year ago today, even though by any objective measure it went… very bad. Even if I end up moving back in with my parents in Maryland when my lease runs out, I don’t think the net result will be the same as if I moved back in with them right after college because now I know how powerful I am and I’m not as scared of the future. I don’t have any regrets because I acted courageously and idiotically and with great love, which I think is how I want to live my whole life, though I’d like to tone down the idiotic part if possible. Sarah, if you’re reading this, I am angry that you don’t have any regrets. I think you should regret, at least a little, but I know it’s not my business anymore. I made a new place in the world, just for me, and if I can do that, I can do anything. Ha!
(via jeezypetes)
Well i was having a great day of exercising and working and not thinking about how it’s been a year exactly since I moved to California until just now. Just about now I think I was getting off the plane, which was super late, and I was negotiating with the baggage people for the release of my bags. And my girlfriend-at-the-time was extremely ill and couldn’t come pick me up. Ha ha, I thought! Classic Friday the 13th hijinks. I am sure this is not at all foreshadowing the outcome of my decision to move all the way across the country to be with the person I love!