When I was 16 I wished death & cancer on a girl I used to be bffs with, I sent it through Fb, she blocked me. We had a class in college & she switched out first day seeing me. I apologized she never forgave. I moved on. But this chick, she haunts me. Literally. I have dreams about this girl where she just stares at me. I had no concept of death nor did I know what I was saying at 16 and should've been smacked for it. But I'm 23 now! I haven't made this error since! & she still haunts me why?!
I think this would be a great topic to talk to a therapist about as they will be able to do a deeper dive with you, but if I had to make a guess—It sounds like you have unresolved grief about this, whether the loss of your friend or a deep violation of your own morals. Maybe you’re worried about death itself. I think the girl in the dream is actually you, and that part of you is asking for help.
I think part of becoming an adult is having enough sense to have deep regrets. There are things I did when I was 18 that fill me with hot shame to this day and I’m 32 years old—specifically, things I did that hurt other people. It’s good to feel shame when you violate your own morality. It acts as a visceral guidepost for future interactions. In a way, feeling bad about being piece of shit is actually what defines you as a good person.
It sounds like you’re hung up on this. I suggest you find the feelings associated with this experience and these dreams. Lay on the floor with a blanket over your face and feel those feelings as hard as you can. Feel them and feel them and then those feelings will calm down for awhile. When it comes up again, look it straight in the face and feel those feelings again. Don’t be afraid to feel pain and shame and hopefully by accepting this experience you can move on. Also please see a therapist.
